Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Operation Purity has been aborted
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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