Who did Billy Mays play for?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
