We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
