Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
