I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
