I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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