I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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