I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
