so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
