So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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