Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Are we still banned from the library?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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