Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
