WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
