Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
