I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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