I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
