Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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