Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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