I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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