Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
