In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
