i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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