I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
