I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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