It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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