I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
