woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
