Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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