A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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