Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
