I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
two words...techno handjob
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
