I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
