Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
