I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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