i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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