Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
