I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
