i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
