I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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