A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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