Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
