I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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