I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
