dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
