So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
