I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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