Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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