well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
