I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize