i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
