dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
