So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
