sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
