I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
