just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
