Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
